Once you have a clearer understanding of your values and what you’re seeking in an inner circle (from the “Self-Assessment and Clarity of Values” step), the next critical phase is to Evaluate Existing Connections. This involves taking an honest, sometimes difficult, look at the people already in your life and assessing how they align with your clarified needs and values.
This isn’t about judging people or discarding long-standing relationships; it’s about being intentional about where you invest your precious time and emotional energy.
How to Evaluate Existing Connections:
List Your Closest Connections:
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- Start by listing the people you spend the most time with, confide in, or feel closest to. This includes family members, romantic partners, close friends, key colleagues, mentors, etc.
- Don’t overthink it initially; just get everyone down.
Apply Your Values as a Filter:
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- Go through your list, person by person, and consciously consider how they relate to the core values you identified in your self-assessment.
- Example: If “growth” is a core value, does this person encourage your personal development, or do they subtly discourage it or prefer things to stay the same? If “integrity” is key, do they consistently demonstrate it?
Assess Their Impact on Your Energy:
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- The “Vampire Test” (as described by Austin Kleon): After spending time with this person, do you feel energized, inspired, and uplifted? Or do you feel drained, exhausted, or even worse about yourself?
- Emotional State: Do they make you feel calm, accepted, and empowered, or stressed, anxious, or diminished?
- Reciprocity: Is the energy exchange balanced, or do you feel like you’re consistently giving more than you receive?
Examine Their Support Style and Your Needs:
*Signs of a Supportive Relationship:
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- Active Listening: Do they truly listen to you without interrupting, judging, or immediately offering unsolicited advice?
- Empathy and Validation: Do they try to understand your feelings and experiences, even if they don’t fully agree with your choices? Do they make you feel heard and understood?
- Encouragement and Belief: Do they believe in your potential and encourage you to pursue your goals, even when you doubt yourself?
- Constructive Feedback (when asked): Can they offer honest, helpful feedback in a kind and constructive way when you seek it?
- Respect for Boundaries: Do they respect your personal limits, time, and decisions?
- Celebration of Successes: Do they genuinely celebrate your achievements and genuinely feel happy for you?
- Reliability: Can you count on them when you genuinely need help or support?
*Signs of an Unsupportive/Potentially Draining Relationship (Red Flags):
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- Minimizing Feelings: “You’re overreacting,” “It’s not that big of a deal.”
- Constant Criticism/Belittling: They frequently point out your flaws or mistakes, often publicly.
- Lack of Interest in Your Goals: They don’t ask about your aspirations or show little enthusiasm for your successes.
- One-Sided Conversations: They talk mostly about themselves or interrupt frequently.
- Ignoring Boundaries: They repeatedly push limits you’ve set.
- Blame-Shifting: They consistently avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
- Gossip/Negativity: They frequently engage in negative talk about others or always see the worst in situations.
- Manipulation or Control: They try to dictate your choices or make you feel guilty for spending time with others.
- Jealousy/Insecurity: They seem threatened by your growth or success.
- Consider Their Role (or lack thereof):
- Do they fill a specific type of need you have (e.g., a mentor, a confidant, a fun distraction, a challenger)?
- Are there gaps in your support system that none of your current connections are filling?
*”Circle of Impact” Exercise (Optional but Recommended):
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- Draw concentric circles on a piece of paper. You are in the center.
- Place people in the circles based on their level of closeness and positive influence. The innermost circle is for your core inner circle (very few people). The next circle outward for close friends/family, and so on.
- This visual can help you see where people truly fit and if they are in the “right” place based on your assessment.
Outcome of Evaluation:
This evaluation isn’t necessarily about cutting people out, but about:
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- Identifying your true inner circle: Pinpointing those who genuinely uplift and align with you.
- Re-calibrating other relationships: Moving some individuals to a more appropriate “outer circle” (acquaintance, casual friend) where their impact is less direct.
- Setting boundaries: Understanding where you need to implement stronger boundaries to protect your energy and focus.
- Identifying “gaps”: Realizing what types of supportive people you might need to actively seek out to strengthen your overall network.
By rigorously evaluating your existing connections, you lay the groundwork for cultivating an inner circle that genuinely supports your growth, well-being, and journey of rebuilding.
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